The Book of Heaven
—Unofficial Version—

December 21, 1922

Privation of Jesus and pains of the soul.

I felt all afflicted because of the privation of my adorable Jesus; or rather, I felt tortured.  My poor heart agonized and struggled between life and death; and while it seemed to be dying, a mysterious force made it rise again, to continue its most bitter agony.  Oh, privation of my Jesus, how ruthless and cruel you are!  Even death would be an absolute nothing compared to you.  After all, death does nothing other than bring one to eternal life, while the privation of Jesus makes life itself run away.

But all this was nothing yet.  My poor soul, wanting my Life, my All, left my body in order to find Him at least outside of myself, but in vain.  Rather, I found myself within an immensity, whose depth, magnitude and height seemed to have no limit.  I fixed my gaze everywhere within that great empty space - who knows, I might see Him at least from afar, so as to take flight and throw myself into His arms.  But it was all in vain.  I feared I might fall into that great empty space - and without Jesus, where would I end up?  What would happen to me?  I trembled, I shouted, I cried, but no one had pity.  I would have wanted to go back into my body, but a mysterious force prevented me from doing so.  My state was horrible, because my soul, being outside of myself, flung herself toward her God as though toward her center, faster than a stone that falls back again toward the center of the earth after it has been thrown up high.  It is not the stone’s nature to remain suspended, but it seeks the earth as support and rest.  In the same way, it is not the soul’s nature to go out of herself and not to fling herself into the center from which she came.  This pain strikes such freight, fears and heartbreak, that I could call it pain of hell.  Poor souls without God, how - how can they go on?  What pain must the loss of God be for them?  Ah! my Jesus, do not allow anyone - anyone to lose You.

Now, as I was in this state so painful, I found myself inside myself, and my sweet Jesus, stretching out one arm, surrounded my neck.  Then He made Himself seen holding a little girl in His arms - but of extreme littleness.  The little girl was agonizing, and as she seemed to be dying, Jesus now breathed on her, now gave her a little sip, now squeezed her to His Heart.  And the tiny little one would return to her agony again, but she would neither die, nor come out of that mortal state.  However, Jesus was all attention; He watched over her, assisted her, sustained her; He would miss not one movement of this dying little girl.  I felt all the pains of that poor little one as though reverberating in the depth of my heart; and Jesus, looking at me, told me:  “My daughter, this tiny little girl is your soul.  Do you see how much I love you - with how much care I assist you?  I keep you alive with sips of my Will.  My Volition makes you smaller, It makes you die and rise again.  But, do not fear, I will never leave you - my arms will always hold you tightly to my breast.”