✞ Signs to know whether the soul is in Grace.
One morning – it was the day of the Exaltation of the Cross – my sweet Jesus transported me to the holy sites; and first, He told me many things about the virtue of the cross. I don’t remember all, but just a few things: "My beloved, do you want to be beautiful? The cross will give you the most beautiful features that can possibly be found, both in Heaven and on earth; so much so, as to enamor God, who contains all beauties within Himself."
Jesus continued: "Do you want to be filled with immense riches - not for a short time, but for all eternity? Well then, the cross will administer to you all kinds of riches - from the tiniest cents, which are the little crosses, up to the greatest amounts, which are the heavier crosses. Yet, men are so greedy to earn a temporal penny, which they soon will have to leave, but do not give a thought to earning one eternal cent. And when I, having compassion for them, in seeing their carelessness for all that regards eternity, kindly offer them the opportunity - instead of cherishing it, they get angry and offend Me. What human madness – it seems that they understand it upside down. My beloved, in the cross are all the triumphs, all the victories, and the greatest gains. You must have no aim other than the cross, and it will be enough for you, in everything. Today I want to make you content; that cross which until now has not been enough to lay you on and crucify you completely, is the cross that you have carried up to now. But since I have to crucify you completely, you need new crosses which I will let descend upon you. So, the cross you have had until now, I will bring to Heaven, to show it to the whole celestial court as pledge of your love, and I will make another one descend from Heaven – a larger one, to be able to satisfy the ardent desires I have upon you."
While Jesus was saying this, that cross which I had seen the other times made itself present before me. I took it and I laid myself on it. As I was in this way, the Heavens opened and Saint John the Evangelist came down, carrying the cross that Jesus had indicated to me. The Queen Mother and many Angels, when they arrived near me, lifted me from that cross and placed me over the one which they had brought me, which was much larger. Then, an Angel took the cross I had before and took it to Heaven with him. After this, with His own hand, Jesus began to nail me to that cross; Queen Mama assisted me, while the Angels and Saint John were handing the nails. My sweet Jesus showed such contentment, such joy in crucifying me, that just to be able to give that contentment to Jesus, I would have suffered not only the cross, but yet more pains. Ah! it seemed to me that Heaven was making new feast for me, in seeing the contentment of Jesus. Many souls were freed from Purgatory and took flight toward Heaven, and quite a few sinners were converted, because my Divine Spouse let everyone participate in the good of my sufferings. Who can tell, then, the intense pains I felt while being stretched so well over the cross, and pierced through by the nails in my hands and feet? But especially the feet – the atrocity of the pains was such that they cannot be described. When they finished crucifying me and I felt I was swimming in the sea of pains and sufferings, Queen Mama said to Jesus: "My Son, today is a day of grace - I want You to let her share in all of your pains. There is nothing left but to pierce her heart through with the lance, and to renew for her the crown of thorns." So, Jesus Himself took the lance and pierced my heart through; the Angels took a crown of thorns, well thickened, and handed it to the Most Holy Virgin – and She Herself drove it into my head.
What a memorable day that was for me – of sufferings, yes, but of contentments; of unspeakable pains, but also of joy. It is enough to say that the intensity of the pains was such, that for that entire day Jesus did not move from my side, but remained close to me in order to sustain my nature, which was failing at the liveliness of the pains. Those souls from Purgatory who had flown up to Heaven, descended together with the Angels and surrounded my bed, cheering me with their canticles, and thanking me affectionately because through my sufferings I had freed them from those pains.
It happened, then, that after five or six days of those intense pains, to my great regret, they began to diminish, and so I would solicit my beloved Jesus to renew the crucifixion. And He, sometimes quickly, and sometimes with some delay, would be pleased to transport me to the holy sites and to let me share in the pains of His Sorrowful Passion… now the crown of thorns, now the scourging, now the carrying of the cross to Calvary, now the crucifixion – sometimes one mystery per day, and sometimes everything in one day, as He pleased. This would be of highest pain and contentment for my soul. But it would become very bitter for me when the scene would change, and instead of I being the one who suffered, I would be the spectator, watching most loving Jesus suffer the pains of His Sorrowful Passion. Ah! how many times I found myself in the midst of the Jews together with Queen Mama, seeing my beloved Jesus suffer. Ah! yes, it is indeed true that it is easier for one to suffer himself, than to see the beloved suffer.
Other times, I remember that, in renewing these crucifixions, my sweet Jesus would say to me: "My beloved, the cross allows one to distinguish the reprobates from the predestined. Just as on the day of judgment, the good will rejoice upon seeing the cross, so even now it can be seen whether one will be saved or lost. If, as the cross presents itself to the soul, she embraces it, carries it with resignation and patience, kissing and thanking that hand which is sending it – here is the sign that she is saved. If, on the contrary, as the cross is presented to her, she gets irritated, despises it, and even reaches the point of offending Me – you can say that that’s a sign that the soul is heading on the way to hell. So will the reprobates do on the day of judgment: upon seeing the cross, they will grieve and curse. The cross tells everything; the cross is a book that, without deception and in clear notes, tells you and allows you to distinguish the saint from the sinner, the perfect from the imperfect, the fervent from the lukewarm. The cross communicates such light to the soul that, even now, it allows one to distinguish not only the good from the evil, but also those who are to be more or less glorious in Heaven – those who are to occupy a higher or a lower place. All other virtues remain humble and reverent before the virtue of the cross, and grafting themselves to it, they receive greater glory and splendor."
Who can tell what flames of ardent desires this speaking of Jesus would cast into my heart? I felt devoured by hunger for suffering, and in order to satisfy my yearnings - or rather, to say it better, in order to satisfy that which He Himself infused in me - He would renew the crucifixion.
I remember that sometimes, after renewing these crucifixions, He would say to me: "Beloved of my Heart, I ardently desire not only to crucify your soul and to communicate the pains of the cross to your body, but also to mark your body with the mark of my wounds; and I want to teach you the prayer in order to obtain this grace. This is the prayer: ‘I present myself before the supreme throne of God, bathed in the Blood of Jesus Christ, praying Him, by the merit of His most luminous virtues and of His Divinity, to concede to me the grace of being crucified’."
However, I have always had an aversion for anything that might appear externally – and I still do – but in the act in which Jesus was saying that, I would feel such yearnings being infused in me to satisfy the desire that He Himself was expressing, that I would yet dare to ask Jesus to crucify me in the soul and in the body. And sometimes I would say to Him: "Holy Spouse, I would rather not have external things; and if sometimes I dare to ask for that, it is because You Yourself tell me to, and also to give a sign to the confessor that it is You who operates in me. But for the rest, I would like nothing but those pains which You make me suffer when You renew the crucifixion. If only they were permanent - I would rather not have that diminution after some time. This alone is enough for me. As for the outward appearance, the more You can keep me hidden, the more You will make me content.’
I remember confusedly that, when I would be with Our Lord, I would often ask for sorrow for my sins and for the grace to be forgiven of all the evil I had done; and at times I reached the point of saying that only then would I be content, when I would hear Him say, from His own lips: "I forgive all your sins." And blessed Jesus, who can deny nothing when it is for our good, one morning made Himself seen and told me: "This time I Myself want to do the office of confessor. You will confess all of your sins to Me, and in the act in which you do this, I will make you comprehend, one by one, the sorrows you have given to my Heart in offending Me, so that, by comprehending what sin is, as much as it is possible for a creature, you may be resolved to die rather than to offend Me. You, in the meantime, enter into your nothingness, and recite the Confiteor."
On entering myself, I could see all of my misery and my wicked deeds, and I trembled like a leaf before His presence. I lacked the strength to pronounce the words of the Confiteor, and if the Lord had not infused new strength in me, by telling me, "Do no fear. If I am a judge, I am also your father. Courage, let us proceed", I would have remained there, without uttering one word.
So I said the Confiteor, all full of confusion and humiliation, and since I saw myself all covered with my sins, at one glance, I saw that the greatest one, which had given affront to Our Lord, was pride. So I said: ‘Lord, before your presence, I accuse myself of the sin of pride.’ And He: "Draw near my Heart, and place your ear over It – you will hear the cruel torment that you have caused my Heart with this sin." All trembling, I placed my ear at His adorable Heart – but who can tell what I heard and comprehended in that instant? Especially now, after so much time - I will say something confusedly. I remember that His Heart was beating so strongly, that it seemed that His breast was going to crack. Then it seemed to me that It was torn to shreds, and was almost destroyed by the pain. Ah! if I could have, I would have reached the point of destroying the Divine Being with pride.
I will give you a simile in order to make myself understood, otherwise I have no words to express myself. Imagine a king, and at the feet of this king, a worm, which, rising and swelling up, begins to believe it is something, and reaches such audacity as to rise little by little, reaching the head of this king, wanting to remove the crown from him and put it on its own head. Then, it strips him of his royal vestments; then, it throws him off his throne, and finally, it tries to kill him. But what’s more about this worm, is that it itself does not know its own being; it very much deceives itself, while, to get rid if it, it would take the king nothing but to put it under his feet and crush it – and so it would end its days. In reality, if this could be, it would make arise indignation and pity, as well as ridicule, toward the pride of this worm. So did I see myself before God, and this filled me with such confusion and sorrow, that I felt the torment that blessed Jesus suffered being renewed in my heart.
After this, He left me, and I felt such pain, comprehending how ugly the sin of pride is, that it is impossible to describe it. After I chewed all this thoroughly within myself, my good Jesus came back and told me to continue the confession of my sins. And I, all trembling, continued to make the accusation of my thoughts, words, works, causes and omissions; and when He would see that I was unable to continue the confession because of the pain I felt at having offended Him so much… in fact, I had such a vivid clarity, being in front of that Divine Sun; and especially could I see my littleness, the nonentity of my being, and I was stunned at how daring I had been, wondering from where had I taken that courage to offend a God so good, who, in the very act in which I was offending Him, assisted me, preserved me, nourished me. And if He had any rancor with me, it was for the sin I committed, which He greatly hated, while He loved me immensely, He excused me before divine justice, and was all occupied with removing that wall of division between the soul and God, which sin had produced. Oh! if all could see who God is, and who the soul is in the act of sinning, they would all die of sorrow, and I believe that sin would be exiled from the earth …So, when blessed Jesus would see that I could not take any more because of the pain, He would withdraw and leave me, to allow me to comprehend well the evil I had done. And then He would come back again, and I would continue the accusation of my sins.
But who can tell all that I understood, and explain, one by one, the different affronts and the special sorrows which I had caused Our Lord with my sins? I feel it is almost impossible for me to explain myself - also because I don’t remember it too well.
Then, when I finished the accusation, which lasted about seven hours, lovable Jesus took the aspect of a most loving father. And since I was exhausted in my strengths because of the sorrow, more so since I saw that that sorrow was not enough, to be sorry as much as it befitted my sins - to encourage me, He told me: "I Myself want to make up for you, so I apply to your soul the merit of the pain I had in the Garden of Gethsemani. This alone can satisfy the divine justice." After He applied His pain to my soul, then I seemed to be disposed to receive the absolution.
All humbled and confused as I was, prostrated at the feet of the good father Jesus, through the rays He was sending into my mind, I tried to excite myself more to sorrow by saying - though I don’t remember everything: ‘Great, immense, has been the evil I have done against You. These powers of mine and these senses of my body were meant to be as many tongues with which to praise You. Ah! instead, they have been like many poisonous vipers which were biting You and were even trying to kill You. But, holy father, forgive me – do not want to cast me away because of the great wrong I have done to You by sinning.’
And Jesus: "And you - do you promise to sin no more, and to banish from your heart any shadow of evil that might offend your Creator?"
And I: ‘Ah! yes, with all my heart I promise You. I would die a thousand times rather than sin again. Never again, never again.’
And Jesus: "And I forgive you, and I apply to your soul the merits of my Passion, and I want to wash it in my Blood."
And as He was saying this, He raised His blessed right hand and pronounced the words of the absolution – exactly like the words that the priest says, when he gives absolution. And in the act of doing this, a river of blood poured down from His hand, and my soul was completely inundated by it.
After this, He said to me: "Come, oh daughter, come to make penance for your sins by kissing my wounds."
All trembling, I stood up and I kissed His most sacred wounds; and then He said to me: "My daughter, be more vigilant and attentive, because today I give you the grace not to fall, ever again, into voluntary venial sin."
Then He gave me other exhortations, which I don’t remember too well; and He disappeared.
Who can tell the effects of this confession made to Our Lord? I felt all soaked with grace, and it made such an impression on me, that I cannot forget it. And every time I remember it, I feel a shiver run through my bones, and also taken by horror in thinking of what my correspondence is to so many graces received from Our Lord.
The Lord deigned other times to give me the absolution, Himself. Sometimes He would take the form of the priest, and I would confess as if He were the priest, although I would feel different effects, and then, once it was finished, He would reveal Himself as Jesus; or He would come unveiled, making Himself recognized as Jesus from the beginning. Sometimes He would also take the form of the confessor, so much so, that I believed I was speaking with him, telling him all my fears, my doubts, but from the answer I would receive, from the gentleness of that voice, alternating between that of the confessor and that of Jesus, from His lovable gesture and from the interior effects, I would discover that it was Him. Ah! if I wanted to say everything about these things, I would be too long, so I finish, and I stop here…
I remember that there was another war between Africa and Italy, and one day, about nine months earlier, blessed Jesus transported me outside of myself and showed me a very long road, filled with human flesh immersed in blood, which inundated that road like rivers. It was horrifying to see those cadavers exposed to the open air, without anyone to bury them.
All frightened, I said to Our Lord: ‘What is this?’
And He: "Next year there will be a war. They use the flesh to offend Me, and I want to make my just vengeances over their own flesh." He said other things but the long time passed does not allow me to remember.
Now, it happened that after that period of time, news began to spread about a war between Africa and Italy. I prayed good Jesus to spare many victims, and to have pity on many souls who were going to hell.
One morning, according to the usual way, He transported me outside of myself, and I saw that almost all the people were convinced that Italy was going to win. I seemed to find myself in Rome, and I could see the deputies in council among themselves on how they should carry on the war to be sure that Italy would win. They were so swollen with themselves as to arouse pity. But what impressed me the most was to see that almost all of these people were sectarians – souls sold to the devil. What sad times! It really seemed that the satanic reign was reigning, and instead of placing their trust in God, they were placing it in the devil. Now, while they were in council, my blessed Jesus told me: "Let us go to hear what they say." It seemed I was entering their circle together with Him. Jesus was strolling through their midst, shedding tears over their miserable state. When they finished their council about the way to proceed, boasting of being sure about the victory, Jesus turned to them and, threatening them, said: "You rely on yourselves, and therefore I will humiliate you. This time Italy will lose…"
Now, in order to obey, I will continue what I left on page 6 of this 1st volume – that is, the Novena of Holy Christmas.
As I moved on from the second to the third meditation, an interior voice told me: "My daughter, place your head upon the womb of my Mama, and look deep into it at my little Humanity. My love devoured Me; the fires, the oceans, the immense seas of love of my Divinity inundated Me, burned Me to ashes, and sent their flames so high as to rise and reach everywhere - all generations, from the first to the last man. My little Humanity was devoured in the midst of such flames; but do you know what my eternal love wants Me to devour? Ah! Souls! And only then was I content, when I devoured them all, to remain conceived with Me. I was God, and I was to operate as God - I had to take them all. My love would have given Me no peace, had I excluded any of them. Ah! My daughter, look well into the womb of my Mama; fix well your eyes on my conceived Humanity, and you will find your soul conceived with Me, and the flames of my love that devour you. Oh! How much I loved you, and I do love you!"
I felt dissolved in the midst of so much love, nor was I able to go out of it; but a voice called me loudly, saying: "My daughter, this is nothing yet; cling more tightly to Me, and give your hands to my dear Mama, that She may hold you to her maternal womb. And you, take another look at my little conceived Humanity, and watch the fourth excess of my love."
4 - "My daughter, from the devouring love, move on to look at my operative love. Each conceived soul brought Me the burden of her sins, of her weaknesses and passions, and my love commanded Me to take the burden of each one of them. And it conceived not only the souls, but the pains of each one, as well as the satisfaction which each one of them was to give to my Celestial Father. So my Passion was conceived together with Me. Look well at Me in the womb of my Celestial Mama. Oh! How tortured was my little Humanity. Look well at my little head, surrounded by a crown of thorns, which, pressed tightly around my temples, made rivers of tears pour out from my eyes; nor was I able to make a move to dry them. O Please! Be moved to compassion for Me, dry my eyes from so much crying - you, who have free arms to be able to do it. These thorns are the crown of the so many evil thoughts which crowd the human minds. Oh! How they prick Me, more than thorns which sprout from the earth. But, look again – what a long crucifixion of nine months: I could not move a finger or a hand or a foot. I was always immobile; there was no room to be able to move even a tiny bit. What a long and hard crucifixion, with the addition that all evil works, assuming the form of nails, continuously pierced my hands and feet." So He continued to narrate to me pains upon pains – all the martyrdoms of His little Humanity, such that, if I wanted to tell them all, I would be too long.
I abandoned myself to crying, and I heard in my interior: "My daughter, I would like to hug you, but I am unable to do so - there is no room, I am immobile, I cannot do it. I would like to come to you, but I am unable to walk. For now, you hug Me and you come to Me; then, when I come out of the maternal womb, I will come to you." But as I hugged Him and squeezed Him tightly to my heart with my imagination, an interior voice told me: "Enough for now, my daughter; move on to consider the fifth excess of my love."
5 - And the interior voice continued: "My daughter, do not move away from Me, do not leave Me alone; my love wants your company. This is another excess of my love, which does not want to be alone. But do you know whose company it wants? That of the creature. See, in the womb of my Mama, all of the creatures are together with Me – conceived together with Me. I am with them, all love. I want to tell them how much I love them; I want to speak with them to tell them of my joys and sorrows - that I have come into their midst to make them happy and to console them; that I will remain in their midst as a little brother, giving my goods, my kingdom, to each one of them at the cost of my life. I want to give them my kisses and my caresses. I want to amuse myself with them, but – ah, how many sorrows they give Me! Some run away from Me, some play deaf and force Me into silence; some despise my goods and do not care about my kingdom, returning my kisses and caresses with indifference and obliviousness of Me, so they convert my amusement into bitter crying. Oh! How lonely I am, though in the midst of many. Oh! How loneliness weighs upon Me. I have no one to whom to say a word, with whom to pour Myself out - not even in love. I am always sad and taciturn, because if I speak, I am not listened to. Ah! My daughter, I beg you, I implore you, do not leave Me alone in so much loneliness; give Me the good of letting Me speak by listening to Me; lend your ear to my teachings. I am the master of masters. How many things do I want to teach you! If you listen to Me, you will stop my crying and I will amuse Myself with you. Don’t you want to amuse yourself with Me?"
And as I abandoned myself in Him, giving Him my compassion in His loneliness, the interior voice continued: "Enough, enough; move on to consider the sixth excess of my love."
6 - "My daughter, come, pray my dear Mama to set aside a little space for you within her maternal womb, that you yourself may see the painful state in which I find Myself." So, in my thoughts, it seemed that our Queen Mama made me a little room to make Jesus content, and placed me in it. But the darkness was such that I could not see Him; I could only hear His breathing, while He continued to say in my interior: "My daughter, look at another excess of my love. I am the eternal light; the sun is a shadow of my light. But do you see where my love led Me - in what a dark prison I am? There is not a glimmer of light; it is always night for Me – but a night without stars, without rest. I am always awake…what pain! The narrowness of this prison - without being able to make the slightest movement; the thick darkness…; even my breathing, as I breathe through the breathing of my Mama – oh, how labored it is! To this, add the darkness of the sins of creatures. Each sin was a night for Me, and combined together they formed an abyss of darkness, with no boundaries. What pain! Oh, excess of my love - making Me pass from an immensity of light and space into an abyss of thick darkness, so narrow as to lose the freedom to breathe; and all this, for love of creatures."
As He was saying this, He moaned - moans almost suffocated because of the lack of space; and He cried. I was consumed with crying. I thanked Him, I compassionated Him; I wanted to make Him a little light with my love, as He told me to. But who can say all? Then, the same interior voice added: "Enough for now; move on to the seventh excess of my love."
7 - The interior voice continued: "My daughter, do not leave Me alone in so much loneliness and in so much darkness. Do not leave the womb of my Mama, so you may see the seventh excess of my love. Listen to Me: in the womb of my Celestial Father I was fully happy; there was no good which I did not possess; joy, happiness - everything was at my disposal. The angels adored Me reverently, hanging upon my every wish. Ah, excess of my love! I could say that it made Me change my destiny; it restrained Me within this gloomy prison; it stripped Me of all my joys, happinesses and goods, to clothe Me with all the unhappinesses of creatures – and all this in order to make an exchange, to give them my destiny, my joys and my eternal happiness. But this would have been nothing had I not found in them highest ingratitude and obstinate perfidy. Oh, how my eternal love was surprised in the face of so much ingratitude, and how it cried over the stubbornness and perfidy of man. Ingratitude was the sharpest thorn that pierced my heart, from my conception up to the last moment of my life. Look at my little heart - it is wounded, and pours out blood. What pain! What torture I feel! My daughter, do not be ungrateful to Me. Ingratitude is the hardest pain for your Jesus; it is to close the door in my face, leaving Me numb with cold. But my love did not stop at so much ingratitude; it took the attitude of supplicating, imploring, moaning and begging love. This is the eighth excess of my love."
8 - "My daughter, do not leave Me alone; place your head upon the womb of my dear Mama, and even from the outside you will hear my moans and my supplications. In seeing that neither my moans nor my supplications move the creature to compassion for my love, I assume the attitude of the poorest of beggars; and stretching out my little hand, I ask - for pity’s sake, and at least as alms - for their souls, for their affections and for their hearts. My love wanted to win over the heart of man at any cost; and in seeing that after seven excesses of my love, he was still reluctant, he played deaf, he did not care about Me and did not want to give himself to Me, my love wanted to push itself further. It should have stopped; but no, it wanted to overflow even more from within its boundaries; and from the womb of my Mama, it made my voice reach every heart with the most insinuating manners, with the most fervent prayers, with the most penetrating words. And do you know what I said to them? ‘My child, give me your heart; I will give you everything you want, provided that you give Me your heart in exchange. I have descended from Heaven to make a prey of it. O please, do not deny it to Me! Do not delude my hopes!’ And in seeing him reluctant – even more, many turned their backs to Me – I passed on to moaning; I joined my little hands and, crying, with a voice suffocated by sobs, I added: ‘Ohh! Ohh! I am the little beggar; you don’t want to give Me your heart - not even as alms? Is this not a greater excess of my love; that the Creator, in order to approach the creature, takes the form of a little baby so as not to strike fear in him; that He asks for the heart of the creature, at least as alms, and in seeing that he does not want to give it, He supplicates, moans and cries?"
Then I heard Him say: "And you, don’t you want to give Me your heart? Or maybe you too want Me to moan, beg and cry in order to give Me your heart? Do you want to deny Me the alms I ask of you?" And as He was saying this I heard Him as though sobbing, and I: ‘My Jesus, do not cry, I give You my heart and all of myself.’ Then, the interior voice continued: "Move further; pass on to the ninth excess of my love."
9 - "My daughter, my state is ever more painful. If you love Me, keep your gaze fixed on Me, to see if you can offer some relief to your Jesus; a little word of love, a caress, a kiss, will give respite to my crying and to my afflictions. Listen my daughter, after I gave eight excesses of my love, and man requited them so badly, my love did not give up and wanted to add the ninth excess to the eighth. And this was yearnings, sighs of fire, flames of desire, for I wanted to go out of the maternal womb to embrace man. This reduced my little Humanity, not yet born, to such an agony as to reach the point of breathing my last. But as I was about to breathe my last, my Divinity, which was inseparable from Me, gave Me sips of life, and so I regained life to continue my agony, and return again to the point of death. This was the ninth excess of my love: to agonize and to die of love continuously for the creature. Oh! What a long agony of nine months! Oh! How love suffocated Me and made Me die. Had I not had the Divinity with Me, which gave Me life again every time I was about to finish, love would have consumed Me before coming out to the light of day."
Then He added: "Look at Me, listen to Me, how I agonize, how my heart beats, pants, burns. Look at Me - now I die." And He remained in deep silence. I felt like dying. My blood froze in my veins, and trembling, I said to Him: ‘My Love, my Life, do not die, do not leave me alone. You want love, and I will love You; I will not leave You ever again. Give me your flames to be able to love You more, and be consumed completely for You.’