The Book of Heaven
—Unofficial Version—

November 1, 1925

The pain of the privation of Jesus surpasses the very pains of hell. What it means to suffer in the Divine Will.

I went through most bitter days, without my sweet Jesus.  The thought of not seeing Him any more hammered my poor heart, like an anvil - with repeated cruel hammer blows.  Ah! Jesus, You have put me in a living hell; even more, my pains surpass the very infernal pains.  Ah! the damned do not love You, and since the seed of love is missing, they run away from You, nor do they long for your embrace; their pains would become harsher with your presence.  A love that is hated cannot stand the presence of the person who is hated; therefore, for them your privation is more bearable; but for me, unhappy one, it is all the opposite.  I love You; I feel the seed of love deep inside my bones, in my nerves, in my blood.  Ah! don’t You remember that, having lived together for as long as forty years, You filled my bones, my nerves, my blood – all of myself, with Yourself?  I felt like a garment that covered You and concealed You within me.  And now, without You, I feel emptied of everything; so, my bones cry out, my nerves and my blood cry out - for they want the One who used to fill them.  There is a continuous cry inside me, that lacerates me, tortures me – for they want You, who used to fill my life.  Do You see, then, how many cruel tearings my poor existence suffers?  Ah! in hell there aren’t these atrocious pains, these cruel tearings, this void of a God, possessed and loved!  Ah! Jesus, come back to the one who loves You; come back to the unhappy one among the unhappy, but rendered unhappy only for You, only because of You.  Ah! I can say this – You alone have rendered me unhappy; other unhappinesses I do not know!

Now, while I was swimming in the bitter sea of the privation of my Jesus, I began to consider the pains of the Heart of my Jesus, to make a comparison with the pains of my poor heart.  But instead of finding comfort in the pains of Jesus, my pains became harsher, thinking to myself that my pains surpassed the pains of my Jesus, because, as great as they were, the pains of the Heart of Jesus were pains given to Him by creatures; and even if, ungrateful, they offend Him and run away from Him, they are always finite creatures - not the Infinite Being.  But, for me, these are pains that a God gives me; it is not a creature that runs away from me, but a God - the Infinite Being.  Jesus does not have another God who might leave Him, nor can He have Him; therefore, He cannot suffer the pain which surpasses every pain – that of being without a God.  Instead, my pain of being without a God is great, is infinite, as great and infinite as God is.  Ah! His pierced Heart has not suffered this pain, and the piercing of the pain of the divine privation is missing in His pierced Heart.  And besides, as many pains as creatures might give Him, my Jesus never loses His sovereignty, His dominion, even over those who offend Him; neither do they make Him smaller, nor do they fade Him - He loses nothing of what He is.  He is always dominant over all; He is always the Eternal, Immense, Infinite, lovable and adorable Being.  But, as for me, I do not have sovereignty, nor dominion, and by being without Jesus, I become smaller, I fade, I feel reduced to nothing, I become nauseating and unbearable, even to myself.  See, then, O Jesus, how my pains are greater than Yours.  Ah! You know the pains that creatures give You, but do not know the pains that a God can give, and how heavy is your privation. 

My poor mind was speaking nonsense; I felt that there was no pain which could be compared to the pain of the privation of Jesus.  It is a pain without beginning and without end, incalculable and irreparable - that which Jesus is, such becomes the pain.  My poor heart was drowned and without life; and in order not to speak more nonsense, I forced myself to stop comparing my pains with those of Jesus, and to move on to something else.  Only, I prayed that He would give me strength; and since the pain of His privation was so great and had a mysterious and divine sound which other pains do not have, and a weight which surpasses the weight of all other pains together, I prayed that, by His goodness, He would accept my pain, and in view of it, He would grant me the greatest grace:  that all may know His Most Holy Will, and with Its mysterious and divine sound, It may resound in all hearts, and call everyone to fulfill the Most Holy Will, crushing with Its weight the human will, the passions and sin, so that all may know You, love You, and comprehend what the loss of a God means.  But who can say all that I was thinking?  I would be too long; rather, I would have wanted to keep everything in silence and not to entrust my secrets to the paper, but obedience imposed itself, and I had to say Fiat.

Then, I felt exhausted and I could take no more.  And my sweet Jesus, having compassion for me, came out from within my interior, all labored, with His mouth all filled with blood.  The blood was so much that it prevented Him from speaking; but with His sad gaze, He asked for my help.  Before the pains of Jesus, I forgot about my own; even more, since He was present, I had no more pain, and I prayed Him to let us suffer together.  Then, after we suffered together for a little while, the blood from His mouth stopped, and looking at the way I had reduced myself because of His privation, He clasped me to Himself, He laid Himself within me in order to fill me with Himself; and then He told me:  “Poor daughter, how you have reduced yourself.  You are right, the pain of the privation of a God is the greatest pain; and because it is great, it took all the strength of my Will to sustain you.  But you do not know what it means to suffer in my Will.  Wherever my Will was, there ran your pain – on earth, in Heaven, within the Saints and the Angels.  And as it reached them, all placed themselves in the act of looking at you and of helping you.  So, all were turned toward you; and if paradise were capable of suffering, it would have changed all of their joys and happinesses into sorrow; but since it is not capable of suffering, all beseeched graces in exchange for a pain so great.  The pains of the soul who lives in my Will are the cross of all, they satisfy for everything, and convert the fury of Divine Justice into celestial dew.  Therefore, pluck up courage and never want to go out of my Will.”  I remained confused; I was expecting a reproach from Jesus because of my nonsense, but – nothing; and we remained in perfect peace.