Search
Search
This morning, having to receive Communion, I was praying good Jesus to come to prepare me Himself, before the confessor would come to celebrate Holy Mass. ‘Otherwise, how can I receive You, being so bad and not disposed?’ While I was doing this, my Jesus was pleased to come, and in the very act of seeing Him, it seemed to me that He did nothing but dart through me with His gazes, most pure, and sparkling with light. Who can say what those penetrating gazes operated in me, letting not even the shadow of a little speck escape? It is impossible to say it; rather, I would have wanted to let all this pass in silence, because the internal operations of grace can hardly be expressed as they are with one’s mouth; rather, it seems that one would counterfeit them. But lady obedience does not want it, and when it is for her, one must close one’s eyes and surrender without saying anything else, otherwise – woes everywhere! In fact, since she is a lady, by herself she makes herself be respected.
Therefore I continue. In the first gaze, I prayed Jesus to purify me, and so it seemed to me that everything that shadowed my soul was shaken off of it. In the second gaze, I prayed Him to illuminate me, because, what good comes to a precious stone from being pure, if it is not sparkling so as to capture to gaze of those who look at it? They will look at it, yes, but with an indifferent eye. Much more was I in need of that light, which would not only render my soul resplendent, but would make me understand the great action I was about to do, since I was not only to be looked at, but identified with my sweet Jesus. Therefore, it was not enough for me to be purged, but also illuminated. So, in that gaze Jesus seemed to penetrate through me, just as the light of the Sun penetrates through crystal. After this, seeing that Jesus continued to look at me, I said to Him: ‘Most loving Jesus, since You were pleased first to purge me, and then to illuminate me, be so kind now as to sanctify me; more so, since I have to receive You, who are the Holy of Holies, and therefore it is not right that I be so different from You.’
So, always benign toward this miserable one, Jesus leaned toward me, took my soul in His arms, and seemed to retouch it all over with His own hands. Who can say what those touches of those creative hands operated in me? How my passions, at those touches, put themselves in their place! My desires, inclinations, affections, heartbeats and my other senses, sanctified by those divine touches, changed into something wholly other, and, united among themselves, no longer clashing as before, formed a sweet harmony for the hearing of my dear Jesus. It seemed to me that they were like many rays of light, which wounded His adorable Heart. Oh, how Jesus amused Himself, and what happy moments those have been for me! Ah, I experienced the peace of the saints! It was a paradise of contentments and of delights for me.
After this, Jesus seemed to clothe my soul with the garment of Faith, of Hope and of Charity, and in the very act of clothing me, Jesus whispered to me the way I was to exercise myself in these three virtues. Now, while I was doing this, unleashing another ray of light, Jesus made me understand my nothingness. Ah! I seemed to be a grain of sand in the midst of a most extensive sea, which is God; and this little grain went to dissolve itself inside that immense sea – it dissolved in God. Then He transported me outside of myself, carrying me in His arms, and kept whispering to me various acts of contrition for my sins. I only remember that I have been an abyss of iniquities. Lord, oh, how many awful ingratitudes I have had toward You!
While I was doing this, I looked at Jesus; He had the crown of thorns on His head. I stretched out my hand, and I removed it from Him, saying: ‘Give the thorns to me, O Jesus, for I am a sinner. The thorns befit me, not You, who are the Just One, the Holy One.’ So, Jesus Himself drove it onto my head.
Then, I don’t know how, I saw the confessor from afar. Immediately I prayed to Jesus that He would go to prepare the confessor to able to receive Him at Communion. And Jesus seemed to go to father. After a little while He came back and told me; "I want the way you deal with Me and with the confessor to be one; and I want the same from him. He must look at you and deal with you as if you were another Me, because, since you are victim as I was, I want no difference at all; and this, so that everything may be purged, and my love alone my shine in everything."
I said to Him: ‘Lord, this seems impossible – that I may deal with the confessor as one does with You, especially in seeing the instability.’ And Jesus: "Yet, it is so; true virtue, true love, makes everything disappear, destroys everything, and with enchanting mastery makes God alone shine through all of its operations, and it looks at everything in God."
After this, the confessor came to call me to obedience and then celebrate Holy Mass; and so it ended. Then I listened to Holy Mass and I received Communion. Now, who can say the intimacy that passed between Jesus and me? It is impossible to manifest it; I have no words to make myself understood, therefore I let it pass in silence.
