The Book of Heaven
—Unofficial Version—

September 22, 1899

Repugnance in writing.

I felt a nail stuck in my heart because of the words spoken yesterday by sweet Jesus, and He, always benign with this miserable sinner, to relieve my pains, came and, all compassion for me, told me: "My daughter, do not want to afflict yourself any longer. Know that everything I make you write, either about virtues or in the form of similes, is nothing but making you portray yourself, and the perfection which I made your soul reach."

Oh, God! What a great repugnance I feel in writings these words – because what He says does not seem true to me. I feel I still don’t understand what virtue and perfection is, but obedience wants it so, and it is better to croak than having to deal with her; more so, since she has two faces: if one does as she says, she assumes the appearance of a lady, and caresses you like a most faithful friend – even more, she promises you all the goods that are in Heaven and on earth; but then, as soon as she detects a shadow of difficulty against her, immediately, without letting herself be noticed, one goes about looking at her and finds her a warrior in the act of arming his weapons to wound you and destroy you. Oh, my Jesus, what kind of a virtue is this obedience, that makes one tremble at the mere thought of her?

Then, while Jesus was saying those words to me, I told Him: ‘My good Jesus, what good is it for my soul to have so many graces, if then they embitter my whole life, especially because of the hours of your privation? In fact, understanding Who You are, and of Whom I am being deprived, is a continuous martyrdom for me. So, they serve me for nothing but to make me live continuously embittered.’

And He added: "When a person has tasted the sweetness of a food and then is forced to take the bitter, in order to remove that bitterness he doubles his desire to taste the sweet, and this does much good to that person, because if he always tasted the sweet, without ever tasting bitterness, he would not take the sweet into great consideration. But if he always tasted bitterness, without knowing the sweet, by not knowing it, he would not even desire it; therefore, both one and the other do good. So it is good for you also." And I: ‘My Jesus, most patient in bearing a soul so miserable and ungrateful – forgive me. It seems to me that this time I want to investigate too much.’ And Jesus: "Do not be disturbed; it is I Myself who raises these difficulties in your interior, to have the occasion to converse with you, and also to instruct you in everything."