The Book of Heaven
—Unofficial Version—

April 2, 1900

Jesus judges according to the will with which one operates.

This morning I had to suffer very much because of the absence of my dear Jesus; however, He repaid my pains by granting a desire of mine, of wanting to know something which I had been yearning for, for a long time.  Then, I went round and round in search of Jesus; now I would call Him with prayer, now with tears, now with singing - who knows whether He might be wounded by my voice and so let Himself be found; but it was all in vain.  I repeated my moans; I asked about Him to whomever I found.  Finally, when my heart felt it was dying and could take no more, I found Him.  But I could see Him from the back, and remembering about a resistance I made to Him, which I will write in the book of the confessor, I asked for His forgiveness; so it seems we placed ourselves in accord; so much so, that He Himself asked me what I wanted.  And I said to Him:  ‘Be pleased to let me know your Will about my state, especially what I must do when I find myself with little sufferings and You do not come; and if You do come, it is almost like a shadow.  So, not seeing You, I feel my senses present within me, and finding myself in this state, I feel as if I were adding something of my own and as if it were not necessary to wait for the coming of the confessor in order to go out of that state.’

And Jesus:  “Whether you suffer or not, whether I come or not, your state is always of victim; more so, since this is my Will and yours, and I judge not according to the works that one does, but according to the will with which one operates.”  And I:  ‘My Lord, it is fine as You say, but it seems to me that I am useless and that much time is wasted, and I feel a bother, a fear…  And then, having the confessor come torments my soul, for it may not be your Will.’  And He:  “Do you think it is a sin to have the confessor come?”  And I:  ‘No, but I fear it is not your Will.’  And He:  “It is sin that you must shun - even the shadow of it, but about the rest you must have no concern.”  And I:  ‘If it were not your Will, why remain there?’  And He:  “Ah, it seems that my daughter wants to escape the state of victim, doesn’t she?”  And I, all blushing, said:  ‘No, Lord, I am saying this for those times in which You do not let me suffer and do not come; after all, let me suffer, and I will have no concerns.’

And Jesus:  “To Me it seems that you want to escape.  Besides, do you know when I intend to come and communicate my pains to you, whether at the first, the second, the third or even the last hour?  So, by distracting yourself from Me and trying to go out, you occupy yourself with something else, and when I come I will not find you prepared, and will turn around and go somewhere else.”  And I, all frightened:  ‘May this never be, oh Lord!  I want to know nothing but your Most Holy Will.’  And He:  “Remain calm and wait for the confessor.”  Having said this, He disappeared.

It seems I feel relieved of a heavy weight by this speaking of Jesus, but in spite of this, the sorrowful pain of when Jesus deprives me of Himself has not decreased in me.