The Book of Heaven
—Unofficial Version—

Volume 4

September 19, 1900

The obedience to ask Jesus for relief in her pains.

As the spasm of pain doubled more and more, I would have wanted to hide it so that no one would notice it, and I would have wanted to keep it secret, without opening up with the confessor about the things I have said above. But the spasm was so strong that it was impossible for me to do it, and the confessor, making use if his usual weapon of obedience, commanded me to manifest everything to him. Then, after I manifested everything to him, he told me that out of obedience I was to pray the Lord to free me, otherwise I would be committing sin. What a kind of obedience! – she is always the one who comes across my designs. So, unwillingly, I accepted this new obedience, but in spite of this I did not have the heart to pray the Lord to free me of a friend so dear, which is suffering; more so, since I was hoping to go out of the exile of this life.

Blessed Jesus tolerated me, and on coming, He said to me: "You suffer very much, do you want Me to free you?" And I, forgetting for a moment about the obedience, said: ‘No Lord, no, do not free me – I want to come. Besides, You know that I don’t know how to love You, I am cold, I don’t do great things for You – at least I offer You this suffering to satisfy for what I am unable to do for love of You.’ And He: ‘And I, my daughter, will infuse so much love and so much grace in you, that no one may be able to love Me and desire Me as you do. Aren’t you happy?"

‘Yes, but I want to come.’ Jesus disappeared, and as I returned inside myself I remembered about the obedience received, and I had to accuse myself before the confessor, who commanded that he absolutely did not want me to go, and that the Lord should free me. What pain I felt in receiving this obedience! It really seems that she wants to touch the extremes of my patience.