The Book of Heaven
—Unofficial Version—

October 4, 1909

The thought of oneself must be stopped in order to do what Jesus does.

Continuing in my state of affliction and loss of my blessed Jesus, I was all occupied in my interior, according to my usual way, with the Hours of the Passion. The hour I am talking about is that in which Jesus loaded the heavy wood of the Cross upon Himself. The whole world was present to me: past, present and future. My whole imagination seemed to see all the sins of all generations, which pressed and almost crushed benign Jesus; so much so, that the cross was nothing but a twig of straw – a shadow of weight compared to all sins. And I tried to draw near Jesus, saying: ‘See, my Life, my Good, I will stay here in the place of all of them. Do You see how many waves of blasphemies? I am here to repeat that I bless You for all. How many waves of bitternesses, of hatreds, of scorns, of ingratitudes, of so very little love! And I want to soothe You for all, love You for all, thank You, adore You, honor You for all. But my reparations are cold, meager, finite. You, who are the One who is offended, are Infinite, therefore I want to render infinite also my reparations and my love; and in order to make it infinite, immense, endless, I unite myself with You, with your own Divinity – even more, with the Father and with the Holy Spirit, and I bless You with your own blessings, I love You with your Love, I soothe You with your own sweetnesses, I honor You, I adore You, as You do among Yourselves, Divine Persons.’

But who can tell all the nonsense I was saying? I would never end if I wanted to say everything. When I find myself in the Hours of the Passion I feel that, together with Jesus, I too embrace the immensity of His work; and for all and for each one I glorify God, I repair, I impetrate for all, and therefore I find it difficult to say everything. So, while I was doing this, a thought told me: ‘You are thinking about the sins of others – and what about your own? Think about yourself, repair for yourself.’ So I tried to think about my evils, my great miseries, the privations of Jesus caused by my sins, and getting distracted from the usual things of my interior, I cried over my great misfortune. At that moment, my always lovable Jesus moved in my interior, and with sensible voice told me: "Do you want to arbitrate yourself? The work of your interior is not yours, but Mine; you do nothing but follow Me – the rest I do all by Myself. The thought of yourself you must stop; you must do nothing but what I want, and I will take care of your evils and goods. Who can do more good to you – yourself or I?" And He showed Himself displeased.

So I began to follow Him, but after a little while, as I reached another point of the way to Calvary, at which, more than anywhere else, I would penetrate into the different intentions of Jesus, a thought told me: ‘Not only must you stop the thought of sanctifying yourself, but also that of being saved. Don’t you see that by yourself you are good at nothing? What good can ever come to you by doing this for others?’ Turning to Jesus, I said to Him: ‘My Jesus, are your Blood, your pains, your cross not there for me? I have been so bad, that having trampled them under my feet with my sins, maybe You have exhausted them for me. But, O please!, forgive me; and if You do not want to forgive me, leave me your Will and I will be content. Your Will is everything for me. I have remained alone without You, and You alone can know the loss I suffered. I have no one; creatures without You bore me; I feel I am in this prison of my body like a slave in chains. At least, for pity’s sake, do not take your Holy Will away from me!’ So, while thinking of this, I got distracted again from my interior; and Jesus, again, made me hear His voice, louder and more imposing, saying: "You don’t want to stop it? Do you want to waste my work in you?"

I don’t know… as if He had silenced my mind, I tried to follow Him and to stop it.