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So, with this obedience, a little milder, it seemed that my heart, from dead, began to live again a little bit. But in spite of this, it did not cease to be tortured in a thousand guises; in fact, when obedience would see that the heart would stop a little longer in search for its Maker, almost wanting to rest in Him because its strengths were exhausted, she would swoop down on me and wound me all over with her claws. And then, having to repeat that refrain when blessed Jesus would make Himself seen: ‘Do not come, I cannot converse, for obedience does not want it’ - was this not the most atrocious and cruel martyrdom for me?
Then, as I was in my usual state, my sweet Jesus came and I manifested to Him the command received; and He went away. Only once, while I was saying to Him, ‘do not come, for obedience does not want it’, He told me: "My daughter, keep the light of my Passion ever before your mind, for in seeing my most bitter pains, yours will seem little to you, and in considering the cause for which I suffered so many immense pains, which was sin, your littlest defects will seem grave to you. On the other hand, if you do not reflect yourself in Me, the littlest pains will seem heavy to you, and you will hold grave defects as nothing." And He disappeared.
After a little while, the confessor came, and when I asked him whether I was still to continue that obedience, he said to me: "No, you can tell Him whatever you want, and keep Him as much as you want."
It seems that I have been set free now, and that I don’t have to deal so much with this warrior so powerful; otherwise, this time he would have become so strong as to give me death. However, he would have let me make a great gain, because I would have united myself to the Highest Good - forever, not at intervals; and I would have thanked him. Not only this, but I would have sung to him the canticle of obedience – that is, the canticle of victories; and then I would have laughed at all his strength…
But as I am saying this, a radiant and beautiful eye has appeared before me, with a voice saying: "And I would have united myself with you, and would have delighted in laughing, because that would have been my victory."
And I: ‘O dear obedience… and after laughing together, I would have left you at the door of Paradise to say to you, "good-bye" - no longer "see you again", to have nothing to do with you any more; and I would have been very careful not to let you in.’
