The Book of Heaven
—Unofficial Version—

September 30, 1899

How patience in suffering temptations is like a nourishing food.

Earlier I spent more than one hour of hell. In passing, I went about looking at the image of baby Jesus and a thought, like lightning, said to the baby: ‘How ugly you are!’ I tried not to pay attention to it, nor to become disturbed, in order to avoid some game with the devil. Yet, in spite of this, that diabolical lightning penetrated into my heart, and I felt that my poor heart was hating Jesus. Ah, yes, I felt I was in hell, keeping company with the damned – I felt love changed into hate! Oh, God! What pain, being unable to love You!

I said: ‘Lord, it is true that I am not worthy to love You, but at least, accept this pain - that I would want to love You, but cannot.’

So, after spending more than one hour in hell, it seemed I got out of it, thank God. But who can say how afflicted and weakened my poor heart was left, because of the war fought between hate and love? I felt such prostration of strengths that it seemed to me that I had no more life. Then I was caught by my usual state, but – oh, how worn-out! My heart and all of my interior powers which, with unspeakable yearning, desire and go in search for their highest and only Good, and when they find Him, only then do they stop and enjoy Him to their greatest contentment, this time did not dare to move. They were so annihilated, confused and sunk in their nothingness, that they would not let themselves be heard. Oh, God, what a cruel blow my heart had to suffer!

In spite of all this, my always benign Jesus came, and His consoling sight made me forget immediately that I had been in hell, so much so, that I did not even ask Jesus forgiveness. The interior powers, humiliated and tired as they were, seemed to rest in Him. Everything was silence; on both sides there was nothing but a few loving glances that wounded each other’s heart.

After remaining in this profound silence for some time, Jesus told me: "My daughter, I am hungry, give Me something." And I: ‘I have nothing to give You.’ But at that very instant I saw a loaf of bread and I gave it to Him, and He seemed to eat it with all pleasure. Now, in my interior I kept saying: ‘It’s been a few days since He told me something.’ And Jesus answered my thought: "Sometimes the groom is pleased to deal with his bride, and to entrust his most intimate secrets to her; other times, then, he delights with greater pleasure in resting, as they contemplate each other’s beauty. Speaking impedes resting, and the mere thinking of what one has to say and of what one has to deal with, diverts one’s attention from looking at the beauty of the groom or of the bride. However, this is needed; in fact, after they have rested and comprehended each other’s beauty more, they love each other more, and with greater strength they enter the field again to work, to negotiate and to defend their interests. This is what I am doing with you. Aren’t you happy?"

After this, a thought flashed through my mind about the hour spent in hell, and immediately I said: ‘Lord, forgive me – how many offenses I have given You.’ And He: "Do not want to afflict nor disturb yourself; it is I who leads the soul deep into the abyss, to then be able to lead her more quickly to Heaven." Then He made me understand that that loaf of bread that I found was nothing but the patience with which I had borne that hour of bloody battle. Therefore, patience, humiliation, and offering God what one suffers in time of temptation is nourishing bread that one gives Our Lord, which He accepts with great pleasure.